Debra Kunz

The first date scenario went like this. They met at the movie theater and he paid for the show for both of them. Given they didn’t meet for coffee or lunch or even dinner first, there was zero conversation before sitting in a dark theater together. (No, I don’t recommend only going to the movies on the first date since you have no opportunity to talk and get to know each other.) Sometime during the show, he put his hand on her knee. Her immediate reaction was alarm and kindly removed it with a smile.

Then she wondered if the fact that he paid for her movie set up the dynamic that it was okay for him to touch her. From his perspective, he may have thought that’s what she wanted him to do given they were sitting in a dark movie theater and didn’t have any conversation first. He might actually believe he’s supposed to put his hand on her knee and if he doesn’t she would be upset about it. So she’s thinking that he believes he “bought” the right to touch her, and he’s thinking he’s “supposed to” touch her because that’s what she wanted. Neither of them are correct. This kind of misinterpretation, from both sides, is the death of dates, and the death of a potential relationship.

Don’t make dating situations more complicated than they need to be. If he puts his hand on your knee, and you don’t want it there, politely remove it with a smile. If you like him, but you aren’t ready for affection from him, be sure you are respectful of the contact, but firm about what you want. If you are getting a creepy sleaze vibe from him that’s a whole different story, and you might want to leave early. (That’s why you set up a Security Call.)

As for who pays, there is absolutely no connection between who picks up the check and having rights to physical contact, and I don’t care if he paid or if you did. If you are out with a man who is expecting you to be physical with him because he paid for the date, dump him and find a man who is respectful of you. That is an attitude of entitlement and pretty much means he’s treating you like an object. There are many, many good men who are respectful gentlemen and don’t connect who pays for the date with what they can “get” as a result.

Date Deliberately,

Debra

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