Debra Kunz

This week’s story is from the man’s perspective given that’s who was sharing this dating dilemma with me.

The Scenario

He met a woman at a neighborhood party and she gave him her number. He called her a few days later and she said she is busy for two weeks. In three weeks, he called her. She answers though tells him that she is in the middle of something at work and that she’d call him back. She hasn’t called yet and it’s four days later.

The Assumptions

He’s ready to write her off since she hasn’t called him back yet, and he expected her to call him back that same night since he told her he would be up late. He was focused on how long it had been since she told him she’d call him back…until I point out that she said to call her in two weeks and that he called her in three instead. Did the fact that you waited an extra week mean anything? “No,” he says, and added, “good point.” Yes it would be great if people said they’d call us back and actually did that the same day. But, we all have lives that are already busy. Sometimes adding a new person into the mix isn’t quite possible at the time it happens. Another thought I shared with him is that she may have been exhausted when she got home from work that night and didn’t think she could be at her best when talking with someone new.

The Problem

Sometimes I wonder how people ever become a couple given our collective tendencies to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. That doesn’t even take into account how much time is spent fearing rejection and worrying about getting hurt. She may actually be interested in this man and be legitimately busy. He doesn’t know what’s going on in her life – he doesn’t know her. He may be legitimately interested in her, scared of getting hurt again, and jumping to conclusions that keep her out of his life instead of being open to the possibility that he isn’t in control of the timing.

What Should He Do?

It depends upon his intentions. If he is only interested in a friendship, then let it be. Given they live in the same neighborhood, they may run into each other again. From her perspective, if he calls again fairly soon she may feel like she’s being pursued and may or may not like that. If he’s genuinely interested in dating her, I’d suggest waiting a few weeks and then give her a call. If that doesn’t go anywhere, then let it be. She’s showing him that she’s not interested. At this point, it’s time to recognize that he can’t control any assumptions she’s made, so the best thing to do is move on.

I Heard Your Sigh

Dating requires patience. We are all human. We are all interpreting things as we see them from our own viewpoint and sometimes that doesn’t leave a lot of room to be gracious with people and allow them to be humanly flawed. After I shared my kindly-honest objective perspective, and we talked through things, this gentleman was more aware of his dating patterns and how they may be derailing him. Hope it helps you as well.

Date Deliberately,

Debra