Debra Kunz

There’s a big difference between who you end up with versus who you choose. End up with implies he arrived on your door step and you lost your ability to think for yourself. Like you had no options. No, I’m not talking about the weak in the knees feeling making your tongue tied. I mean your reaction to him becomes a shrug while you’re looking at the floor and act like he’s the only one who showed up so he must be someone you should date. Or, you’re afraid he’ll be the only one who shows up. Ever.

Ending up with someone is not living deliberately. It’s dating by default at its finest and implies you have no needs, standards or desires so whoever shows up will do. You act like he must be a good choice though you haven’t taken the time to figure it out yet. Maybe he does deserve a chance with wonderful you, though not every man does and you should get comfortable with the idea. (Of course, the reverse is true also. Men should be choosing as well.)

So let’s say he doesn’t just show up on your doorstep – you actually found him somewhere. For example, online, through a friend or at work. Don’t base what you want on what you find. And don’t mold yourself to be what he wants or establish your standards to match the man in front of you. Who you choose relates to what you’ve learned about yourself, who you are, and what’s important to you.

As I mentioned last week, knowing what you want is sometimes the most difficult part of dating. And, you may not know what you need so it makes deciding what you want in him even more challenging. It’s ok to start from what you know now and let your standards evolve with you.

As you become more clear about what you want, the easier it is to understand who is right for you, recognize him when he appears, and choose to give him a chance. With this approach, the man on your doorstep is there because you deliberately invited him, not because he’s the only one who showed up.

Date Deliberately,

Debra